I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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