I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
