the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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