can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
