I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We're not piercing ourselves today.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
