just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
