I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
