I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
