My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
