If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
