Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
