I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
