before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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