Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
