I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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