this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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