I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
