He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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