I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
