So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
