if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
