I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she looked like the before picture.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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