Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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