I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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