Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
