shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
