Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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