can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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