Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
