Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
