it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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