I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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