Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
