so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you would pick up someone in the library
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
