I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
