The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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