My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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