So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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