Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
