I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
MIDGETS
????
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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