Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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