did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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