took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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