there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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