WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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