i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
