Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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