You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
