I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
