Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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