Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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