You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
