this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
