Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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