I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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