My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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