saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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