Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
P.S. I can't hear my feet
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize