I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
