The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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