i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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