I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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