Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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