I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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