I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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