"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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