the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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