Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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