I'm going to jail i love you
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
