ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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