We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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