You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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